breath- the cutting edge of health and wellbeingness

Summer is halfway over and temperatures are skyrocketing, putting a definite damper on the fitness craze which kicks off in late May. 117 degree temperatures, however, are still not a valid reason to forgo a regularly scheduled exercise routine—in fact, one stands to lose more weight through sweat on such a warm day.

Everyone knows that integral to keeping your body in shape is maintaining a steadily high metabolism. This is easily achieved by keeping your digestive system in use at all times. One of the main causes of a slow metabolism is an empty stomach during sleep. A handful of Cheetos just before bedtime is an easy solution to this problem.

In order to maintain proper cardiac condition, many cardiologists (also known as heart doctors- although I have found them utterly useless when it comes to curing the pains of my heart) recommend that one keep his heart rate raised for an extended period of time. Traditionally, people with psychological imbalances have decided that running is the best way to accomplish this. True, one can run in order to sustain his heart rate, but this often leads to shortness of breath and pains in the legs and gut. New research has shown that similar activities can be of equal benefit—first and foremost, one can watch a chilling thriller. The excitement caused by this sort of film will raise the heart rate substantially while the psychological self-torture is far easier to handle than the physical self-torture of ‘jogging.’ For children and the faint of heart, my heart doctor has recommended comedic films. Though the benefits are not as great for the heart and greater chestal region, laughter tends to sculpt the abdominal muscles gently yet nicely.

Most physiologists believe that up to 60 percent of the human body is composed of what has formerly been known as good old H2O. The latest fad has been to overemphasize the role of water in fitness, but the improper devotion of attention has led to inefficiency and aggravation among the millions of Americans attempting to lose weight. Consider, for instance, the average man of 185 pounds. If he were to have the self-control to cut water out of his diet, he could effortlessly reach 74 pounds within a week. See what a dilemma the evil water suppliers of big business and conservatism in general are causing in today’s America?

Fear not, Americans. Thanks to the New Science of Wellbeingness, exercise is easier than ever.

the taste page

there are few things more refreshing or enjoyable than dining at a high-class establishment. but few people actually are aware of all the aspects that go into the creation of the delectable delicacies.

consider, for instance, the wait staff. a dedicated team of highly trained professionals, right? well, at first glance perhaps, but after noticing that your ostensibly beautiful waitress is hiding behind several feet of foundation, fighting the tobacco induced aging that makes her look 27 even though in actuality she is 19. who knows, she may even have some post-tensioned rebar buried somewhere underneath all those cosmetics. but that's just the primary hint.

the second comes when she opens her mouth to take your order. her voice croaks like the hinges on shakespeare's coffin. somehow you suspect that it may not be a frog stuck in her throat but a half carton of virginia slims. if you asked her friends, they'd tell you that after she got tired of wasting cigarettes from being pulled off break early she just started swallowing them whole. with enough determination, a bum could recover enough smokes on one good kiss to save enough for a refrigerator box under a dryer vent and a schwinn to haul it all around with. now that's the real deal.

so the next time you see that artistically arranged artichoke and turkey sandwich, be thankful that your waitress wasn't required to physically touch the food at any point with her hands. though the people who did are a different story...

Inspiring Thought of the Day

try not to suck.

seriously, don't suck.

world in flames

young man responds by starting humor blog

los angeles, ca-

amidst the increasingly tenuous hold on peace in our modern world, a young man is attempting to begin a revolution of his own- through comedy. bradley clarke, a film student at biola university and creator of the late night comedy television show LATE, believes that just as a soft answer turns away wrath, so a snide remark will turn away hezbollah.

according to mr. clarke, the best way to defeat an enemy is merely to ignore his existence. "it's like when you were a little kid and your babysitter kept you in your room with threats of the boogeyman. as soon as i figured out the boogeyman couldn't get me because he didn't exist, i had all the cookies after 8.30 pm that i wanted! thanks to our postmodern understanding that things are only true because everyone else around us says it’s true, if all my friends and i decided that the terrorists didn’t exist, we’d get off scott free! i mean, once peter pan and tinkerbell convinced wendy and her brothers they could fly, there was no problem. a simple case of mind over matter. and laws of physics.”

in further consideration of mr. clarke’s remarks, we find that his logic is incontrovertible. let us be the first to tell you not to worry about terrorists. also, it would probably be a great idea to invest in LATE, because its value is bound to increase exponentially in the immediate future. everyone knows it.