breath- the cutting edge of health and wellbeingness

Summer is halfway over and temperatures are skyrocketing, putting a definite damper on the fitness craze which kicks off in late May. 117 degree temperatures, however, are still not a valid reason to forgo a regularly scheduled exercise routine—in fact, one stands to lose more weight through sweat on such a warm day.

Everyone knows that integral to keeping your body in shape is maintaining a steadily high metabolism. This is easily achieved by keeping your digestive system in use at all times. One of the main causes of a slow metabolism is an empty stomach during sleep. A handful of Cheetos just before bedtime is an easy solution to this problem.

In order to maintain proper cardiac condition, many cardiologists (also known as heart doctors- although I have found them utterly useless when it comes to curing the pains of my heart) recommend that one keep his heart rate raised for an extended period of time. Traditionally, people with psychological imbalances have decided that running is the best way to accomplish this. True, one can run in order to sustain his heart rate, but this often leads to shortness of breath and pains in the legs and gut. New research has shown that similar activities can be of equal benefit—first and foremost, one can watch a chilling thriller. The excitement caused by this sort of film will raise the heart rate substantially while the psychological self-torture is far easier to handle than the physical self-torture of ‘jogging.’ For children and the faint of heart, my heart doctor has recommended comedic films. Though the benefits are not as great for the heart and greater chestal region, laughter tends to sculpt the abdominal muscles gently yet nicely.

Most physiologists believe that up to 60 percent of the human body is composed of what has formerly been known as good old H2O. The latest fad has been to overemphasize the role of water in fitness, but the improper devotion of attention has led to inefficiency and aggravation among the millions of Americans attempting to lose weight. Consider, for instance, the average man of 185 pounds. If he were to have the self-control to cut water out of his diet, he could effortlessly reach 74 pounds within a week. See what a dilemma the evil water suppliers of big business and conservatism in general are causing in today’s America?

Fear not, Americans. Thanks to the New Science of Wellbeingness, exercise is easier than ever.