i'm thankful...

This holiday season, I'm thankful for our brilliant administrators at Biola. Yes, just when I think that my hopes and dreams for Biola just can't get any higher, a wonderful night like tonight happens.


This morning, residents of my floor received a wonderfully stoic message announcing that anyone who was friends with a certain "Lib Rary P Arty" ought not attend his sin ridden and hellbound birthday party set to occur in our library tonight.

I, like any other good, right, and truly upstanding student of our fair institution, could not help but attend. Not to dance, just to study. Kind of like a

As I entered the library, I was overjoyed by the obvious and well-deserved presence of our Campus Safety force. I can hardly express how safe I felt walking past nearly a score of black-uniformed men visually searching me for contraband. Contraband is bad.

The top floor of the library was a veritable Who's Who of Biola. If you wanted to see anyone who you ever thought was cool, you would have seen them there. I have never seen the Biola community united like they were tonight.

At any rate, time passed, I read many, many completely educational books, but there was no dance. And rightfully so. The students were certainly treated with more than the respect any full-grown adult deserves.

Never, at any moment, did anyone give a second thought to what may or may not be occuring at other locations around campus... Although the parking lot was half empty when I returned to my dorm. Where's my car again?

The night is still young, so I can't say that the matter is concluded for all, but I must say that I am so glad to attend a school at which the students are trusted fully to make their own decisions, where mature adults feel that they can make choices that shape their own destiny.

I am SO happy that everyone here is allowed to have their own ideas and that all perspectives are welcome at this institution.

Thank you, Campus Safety. Thank you, Dr. Vliet.

And thank you, Biola.

breath- the cutting edge of health and wellbeingness

Summer is halfway over and temperatures are skyrocketing, putting a definite damper on the fitness craze which kicks off in late May. 117 degree temperatures, however, are still not a valid reason to forgo a regularly scheduled exercise routine—in fact, one stands to lose more weight through sweat on such a warm day.

Everyone knows that integral to keeping your body in shape is maintaining a steadily high metabolism. This is easily achieved by keeping your digestive system in use at all times. One of the main causes of a slow metabolism is an empty stomach during sleep. A handful of Cheetos just before bedtime is an easy solution to this problem.

In order to maintain proper cardiac condition, many cardiologists (also known as heart doctors- although I have found them utterly useless when it comes to curing the pains of my heart) recommend that one keep his heart rate raised for an extended period of time. Traditionally, people with psychological imbalances have decided that running is the best way to accomplish this. True, one can run in order to sustain his heart rate, but this often leads to shortness of breath and pains in the legs and gut. New research has shown that similar activities can be of equal benefit—first and foremost, one can watch a chilling thriller. The excitement caused by this sort of film will raise the heart rate substantially while the psychological self-torture is far easier to handle than the physical self-torture of ‘jogging.’ For children and the faint of heart, my heart doctor has recommended comedic films. Though the benefits are not as great for the heart and greater chestal region, laughter tends to sculpt the abdominal muscles gently yet nicely.

Most physiologists believe that up to 60 percent of the human body is composed of what has formerly been known as good old H2O. The latest fad has been to overemphasize the role of water in fitness, but the improper devotion of attention has led to inefficiency and aggravation among the millions of Americans attempting to lose weight. Consider, for instance, the average man of 185 pounds. If he were to have the self-control to cut water out of his diet, he could effortlessly reach 74 pounds within a week. See what a dilemma the evil water suppliers of big business and conservatism in general are causing in today’s America?

Fear not, Americans. Thanks to the New Science of Wellbeingness, exercise is easier than ever.

the taste page

there are few things more refreshing or enjoyable than dining at a high-class establishment. but few people actually are aware of all the aspects that go into the creation of the delectable delicacies.

consider, for instance, the wait staff. a dedicated team of highly trained professionals, right? well, at first glance perhaps, but after noticing that your ostensibly beautiful waitress is hiding behind several feet of foundation, fighting the tobacco induced aging that makes her look 27 even though in actuality she is 19. who knows, she may even have some post-tensioned rebar buried somewhere underneath all those cosmetics. but that's just the primary hint.

the second comes when she opens her mouth to take your order. her voice croaks like the hinges on shakespeare's coffin. somehow you suspect that it may not be a frog stuck in her throat but a half carton of virginia slims. if you asked her friends, they'd tell you that after she got tired of wasting cigarettes from being pulled off break early she just started swallowing them whole. with enough determination, a bum could recover enough smokes on one good kiss to save enough for a refrigerator box under a dryer vent and a schwinn to haul it all around with. now that's the real deal.

so the next time you see that artistically arranged artichoke and turkey sandwich, be thankful that your waitress wasn't required to physically touch the food at any point with her hands. though the people who did are a different story...